And in celebration of the day, I will post what I read when renewing the vows of Sue and Butch Crandall, my parents who have been married for 50 years! We are so happy for them.
I will need volunteers. Karl, can you stand by Butch? Karen,
can you stand by Sue? Nikki, can you stand by Karen? Jacob Charles, Shaun Man,
and Dylan, can you stand beside Karl. Abu and Lossine, can you stand behind me as wingmen. I need
your sound effects, musical talents, improvisation, and African dancing. Thank
you.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Family, and Dearly
Beloved,
We are gathered here today at the Cicero American Legion in
the presence of these witnesses, to rejoin (well, to attempt to rejoin) Butch
and Sue in holy matrimony commended to be honorable among all; and therefore
this occasion is not to be entered into lightly, but reverently, passionately,
lovingly and solemnly. Into this ceremony, these two persons who are present
now come to be rejoined (and note I say rejoined and not conjoined, because if
this bride and groom were to be attached physically – conjoined through a
shared hip, or brain, or bladder – there’s no doubt that them would, indeed
kill the other).
My name is Bryan and I am a son of a Butch (and Sue). My
sisters convinced me earlier this year that I needed to be ordained to host a
wedding ceremony today for my parents. I did not accomplish this, however, nor
did I get a letter of good standing, learn the NY laws of how to perform such a
ceremony, or have the wedding certificate for my parents sent to me to sign.
Hmmm, Ballz and K dot C dot, I have to admit that rather that officiating over
this occasion in a role of expertise, I will, as I’ve learned from growing up at
5388 Amalfi Drive, be totally full of shit.
Here, I have arrived quickly at the place that makes me most
nervous. According to the “Remarry Your Parents After 50 Years Of Insane
Tolerance Dot Com, this is the location of a wedding vow speech where I have to
say, “If any person in this room can (cough cough, squirm squirm)…can show just cause for why Sue, my mother, and
Butch, my father, should not be rejoined together (hell, even conjoined
together) – let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”
(Note: at this point, Bryan, scan the audience to see who is
sweating, biting their nails, and wetting their pants like you are right now.
If we get beyond this, we’re home free)
Karl? Karen? Are you sure?
It will be logical for anyone who knows me well to
understand that I must also quote the Bible, Corinthians, 13:4-8, in which the
scripture reads,
Love is patient, love
is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of
wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always
protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Now, when I read these words I think, “What is this? Some
sort of episode of Days of Our Lives?
Who am I renewing vows for today, Stephanie Caroli? Bo and Hope? This is Butch and Sue for Christ's sake.
Casey and Cynde, are you listening to this? Love is patient? Please. How many
memories do you have of nights where mom banged on the floor impatiently for dad to come upstairs to
dinner? How many visions do you have of mom, with a True Blue hanging from her
mouth and a bag of wise potato chips under her arm, cursing out dad for being a
“God Damn douchebag who never listens to a God Damn thing” she’s “every had to
say?”
Love is patient. I see. Patient my ass.
And Love does not
envy? Tell that to the Clam Bar, Chubbies, Karl, and the number of times all
of us in this room have witnessed my mother green with envy that dad was out
with his other lovers! Karl, you know that you and Butch invented the term
Bro-mance long before it became popular in modern culture.
And not easily
angered? Karen, you should be smiling at that one. Oh, given the number of
hours you and mom have griped about Fred and Butch over the years. Which of you, Cynde and Casey, want to
impersonate mom slamming the cupboards and taking off in her Renault Alliance
to hide out at Sue Ferrios, the Carolis, or Lori Nicoloffs? Hmm, maybe she’ll be at Doreen’s?
or Karen’s? Different wheels, a change in decade, but the traditional need for a
good friend to gripe about being married to a certain, Mr. Wayne Morris
Crandall. Anger? Yup, ubiquitous to love.
And the fact that love
keeps no records of wrongs? Cynde…do your impersonation of mom and dad
bitching about one another at breakfast while they drink coffee in the
morning? NBC news blaring at the highest possible volume while each of them scream
at the other to “leave” one another “alone.” KC, do you want to recall for this
audience a nightly phone call from mom listing the complaints about dad’s
inability to hear anything she ‘god damn’ says?
And love perseveres?
Okay, I can agree with that. 50 frickn’ years is, indeed, a frickn’ long time to
stay committed together. That’s a lot of nights pulling covers off one another
and putting up with snoring and farts. It’s a 50-year ballet of balancing the
age ol’ question of “toilet seat up or
toilet down?” It’s a lot of “Sue, what’s
for dinners?” and “Butch, Jesus Christ Butch, can you give me a hand opening
this stupid pickle jar.”
50 years is a testimony to perseverance and, recently, my
sisters and I were given greater proof. Ask Nikki and her friend, Krissy, who
recently visited my parents at a very intimate time where my father was having
bowel troubles and my mom needed come to his rescue with a spoon ---
Unannounced, my niece and her bubbly-eyed, naïve, innocent and optimistic
teenage friend got the education of what EXACTLY 50 years of marriage really
looks like. After 50 years, lovers aren’t the E N E M Y to one another. No,
after 50 years lovers become the E N E M A of one another.
So, Karen, do you give Sue Crandall, my mother, permission
to re-wed my father? (Please say yes…I’ll buy you a drink if you do)
And do you, Karl,
give my father, Butch Crandall, permission to renew his bowels, I mean vows,
with my mother? (Please say yes…Casey and Cynde will buy you a drink if you do.
I can’t afford your tab).
Good. I know many of you here today thought my father and
Karl were gonna run off together, but it simply isn’t true. Rather, this is an
opportunity for both my mom and my dad to join hands once again an speak from the heart about the last 50 years
and what they want the rest of us to know about what it’s been like to be
married to one another.
Butch….you first. What do you wish to tell everyone in this
room today?
Sue…obviously you're second. Any words for this bastard you’ve
spent the last 50 years living with?
A woman named Kim George (and I have no clue who she is…found
it on the Internet) once said, “Behind every happy couple lies two people who
have fought hard to overcome all obstacles and interference to be that way.
Why? Because it’s what they both wanted.” An anonymous person from another
website also said, “No, it’s not that…marriage gives you permission to annoy
one special person for the rest of your life.” And in Jerry Seinfeld’s wisdom,
it was said “Marriage is like a game of chess. Except the board is flowing
water. The pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect
on the outcome you desire.”
Mom, Dad. Today we announce that you are our Neil Diamond
and Barbara Streisand. You are our Marlena and Roman Brady and our Richard Gere
and Julia Roberts. Casey might even say that you are our Ross and Rachel, but I
don’t think they ended up settling together so that might not be the best
example.
It is a great pleasure to renew your love for the next 50
years (I can only imagine what the two of them would bitch about when they were
120 years old).
Mom and Dad, Sue and Butch, do you take today’s ceremony as
a renewal of your love and celebration of 50 years of what the two of you
created? Look around at the friendships in this room, the children you’ve
raised, and the grandchildren you’ve supported? (I know…I know…everyone here is
thinking that Abu looks straight-up like my father and Lossine is an exact
replica of my mom. But I Chitunga, was here. He is clone of Karl).
(Jacob Charles, will you please give the happy couple their rings).
(Jacob Charles, will you please give the happy couple their rings).
It is time now for last the lines:
By the power vested in
me by the State of New York…well, not the State, but my sisters, Casey and
Cynde, I now pronounce Sue and Butch, our mom and dad, husband and wife once
again. At this time, the bride and groom may kiss each other, but for the sake
of grandkids, no tongue.
We love you. It has been an honor to be with you today to
applaud what the two of you have achieved together. And with this noted, let
the party continue without all the pomp and circumstance.
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